Birthday blues

Today is his birthday, and it really depresses me to know that we won’t be spending it together, that I won’t be coming home with vegan cake, that we won’t be spending the evening watching movies, or just hanging out together, that I won’t be able to take him out to his favourite restaurant, that I won’t be able to kiss him and hold him close and wish him a Happy Birthday.

I tried to ignore it all day, but I couldn’t. I know he’s spending time with friends, and I made sure I wouldn’t be accepting the invite to go and play D&D with them so he would possibly go and finally see other people. I’m glad he’s finally out of the house, glad he’s finally seeing other people and not spending most of his time alone.

I’m just really sad we’re not spending today together.

I know I can’t do anything about it, I know this is going to be the reality of things going forward, that there is not a chance left of saving our marriage, that he doesn’t believe I wish him well, that I don’t hate him… I know he believes i have some sort of agenda, and that I’m being mean behind his back; but I haven’t been mean, I haven’t made any snide remarks about what happened, I haven’t tried to make it sound worse than it already is.

I’ve spent the past couple of months trying to make sure people wouldn’t take sides, trying to make people understand he might not be reaching out, but he needs company, he needs support and true friendship just as much as I do.

I still love him, that won’t change for a very long time. I care about him so much, I would sacrifice my own friendships if that meant he wouldn’t be alone. I’ve survived worse, I’ve been to hell and back, I’ve been called names and was back-stabbed so often, I can handle it. But him? He’s such a beautiful person deep down inside… I know the man I married is still there, buried under all this sadness and anger, and it’s making me feel so guilty to think I was never able to help, never able to make him realise I was trying to reach out and drag him out of the darkness back into the light.

I can’t change that I guess, I can’t go back in time, I can’t amend the past and I certainly can’t make him believe something he doesn’t want to see.

So what am I supposed to do then? Just walk away from him? Pretend i don’t care? Pretend i don’t want to help him one way or another?

He seems to think I hate him, seems to be trying to make me despise him, but I can’t. How do you despise someone so broken? How do you hate someone you have loved as much as I have loved him?

I may be able to smile on the outside, I may be able to get on with life right now, and book holidays, and joke around with people, but I’m still hurting on the inside. So much so that I don’t have the words to describe it.

But what other options do I have? I could walk away from him entirely, forget he’s ever been part of my life, but every single day, something reminds me of him, of my love for him, of our story (which incidentally happened to be the most beautiful one I’ve ever had the chance to experience), of our projects… And I don’t want to walk away. I may pretend I do, I may tell people I have given up on everything, that I don’t want to even hear his name, but that doesn’t mean it’s the truth; and on a day like today, a day that used to be special in our very own way, I mourn my marriage, I mourn the person I loved, I mourn the best thing I ever had. And I will continue mourning it for a very long time…

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