I thought I was better, I honestly thought I was doing well, that I was recovering, then it hit me in the face again..
For the past week or so, things have been mostly down. They have been up and down for a while now, but I have gotten back to being mostly down, and feeling that sense of loss and emptiness constantly, regardless of where I am or what I am doing.
I haven’t slept in two months, which probably doesn’t help, and i haven’t been eating all that much either. I have been keeping way too busy and haven’t had any down time, and I also have been worrying a lot about my soon to be ex husband. Why, you might ask? Well, simply because I can’t help but feel guilty. Still.
He seems to believe it’s my fault if he’s so isolated from everyone, or at least the few times we do talk, he makes it sound that way. He doesn’t seem to understand our friends aren’t taking sides, that they are willing to help him and I, both, that we are only humans and make mistakes but it doesn’t mean he’s a pariah.
Then there’s the question of: what did I miss overt the past 2 or 3 years that could have helped him? What did I miss that made my marriage fall apart? How could i have helped him better?
And i keep replaying all these things in my head, trying to remember times, moments where I should have paid more attention to his feelings, to the true nature of his depression; moments where I should have tried harder to understand what was going on in this pretty head of his.
Looking for hints of what I missed is currently destroying me little by little.
I just wish I could turn back time to that moment where everything tipped over and he began his decent into severe depression… But I can’t figure out what I did wrong, where I went wrong, how I missed it all. And it hurts, and it keeps me awake at night, brings tear to my eyes every single day, all day, and i’m going crazy.
So today I decided i would seek more help.
The therapy has helped in its own way, but sadly, it’s not enough anymore. I shake all the time, cry all the time, can’t focus, and have no willingness to do anything, forcing myself to get out of bed every day and carry on with a life I feel I’m not really living at the moment.
I cross the bridge over the railway every day and can only think of one thing: what if I waited until the next train and jumped? Would that fix everyone’s life?
I feel like i Have affected so many lives in a negative way over the past few weeks, I just can’t stop feeling guilty and hoping I had just left it all go, I had just booked a one way flight to somewhere, anywhere, away from this miserable existence of mine. I know this sounds overly dramatic, but I miss him dearly, and I miss everything I had spend so much time building until now.
I wish I could help him, but he doesn’t want to; I wish I could show him what he means to me, but he doesn’t believe me anymore; I wish I could just lie down and never wake up, but every single day, I just wake up and feel worse.
SO I spoke to my GP, and we both agreed i need more help.
For the first time in my life, I agreed to take meds. Antidepressants. Those things i had sworn to never take because I always thought I could deal with anything, that i was stronger than that. But I’m not.
I know they’re not a miraculous remedy to depression, I know they will take a while to have any effect on me, and i know it’s not the long term solution. But the truth is, I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m just hoping things will improve… I’m hoping I will get better and allow myself to love and be loved again at some point in time. I hope I can overcome the heartaches and general hurt this time around… I just hope i can carry on living a little while longer and remember how beautiful life can be again.