On solitude

Since I’ve been on antidepressants I haven’t felt like sitting down and writing about it. It’s only been one week, which isn’t a lot, but the side effects have been quite tiring and I’m finally getting a bit of respite from the nausea and lightheadedness.

One of the side effects I find the most striking is the lack of tears even though I’ve been feeling extremely sad. I don’t know if it’s entirely due to the meds, or if it’s just that I have no tears left to shed about this heartbreaking time in my life, but I haven’t really cried in days. I just physically can’t even when I know I should.

The other striking change is that feeling of constant solitude… I may be surrounded by people who love me and whom I care a lot about, I just feel so alone, like I’m not really with them, and can’t really feel anything else but emptiness within me. I’m not liking this much, but I guess it is something that I hope will eventually go away, and seeing I don’t intend on taking these antidepressants for more than a few weeks, I’m sure I’ll be ok and back to my normal self soon.

Something also started today, which has been freaking me out a lot… Every time I close my eyes, I can feel his arms around me, and it’s almost like his ghost is holding me, telling me it’s all going to be ok. I’m not sure if this is a side effect from the drugs, or if I simply feel lonely and miss human contact, but it’s been heartwrenching and I don’t quite know how to respond to it.

It feels like he’s right there next to me, holding me close, making sure I’m safe, but he’s not here, and I’m alone, and I wish I could get rid of this terrible feeling right here and now, but I can’t, because every time I take my guard down it’s happening. It’s been an awfully stressful day as a result, and it’s been making me very anxious as a result.

I guess I just miss him, and I still love him, and despite it all, despite my awfully weak attempts at moving on, at forgetting him, I can’t help but loving him just as much as I did two months ago.

I’m hoping this feeling of loneliness, of solitude will subside. I never had any issue being alone in the past, and I’m not necessarily struggling being on my own now, but I miss his company, I miss his smile, I miss his presence next to me, the safety of his arms, that warmth I used to feel deep down when I was spending time with him. I miss feeling content and happy, I miss being in a relationship where I thought trust and understanding were the only things that matter along with true love.

I miss him…

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