On the need to move on

I need to move on. I need to get my life back. I need to stop crying, I need to stop tearing up every time his name comes up in a conversation. I need to stop shaking every time I think about what happened over the past two months. I need to stop panicking every time I think about my future.

I am not defined by my relationship, and never have been, but for some reason, I haven’t been able to let go of my marriage, haven’t been able to let him walk away without falling apart and not handling life very well.

It’s been two months.

Two months of tears, of panic attacks, of questioning myself and my ability to be with someone, to make people happy, to be a good person.

Two months of telling myself I just wasn’t good enough and believing it, regardless of how many times people would tell me it wasn’t my fault.

Two months of replaying our life in my head, wondering where it went wrong and what I could have done to prevent it.

But there’s nothing I could have done. I loved him with all my heart and soul. I loved him as much as I could ever love anyone. I loved him more than my own life. And whilst it may not have been right for our circumstances, that was the best I could have done.

And now I need to move on.

I feel weirdly ok. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel relieved. We said goodbye on Sunday, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. The last time we did, it had not felt like a proper goodbye. We had both been crying, he was still confused (apparently), and we just couldn’t do it properly. But now he’s moving away, we won’t have any choice. It’s over. Goodbye.

Walking away from him was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but it had to be done one last time. I had to happen for me to understand there wasn’t anything else to save, or at least, he didn’t believe there was anything left to save.

You can’t make someone love you when they refuse to see the good in their life. You cannot make someone see the good if they have decided to focus on the bad. You cannot make someone change their mind when they have decided they will not give you another chance, not give us another chance.

And so be it.

I have spent far too many nights crying myself to sleep, far to many hours wondering what I could have done better. But the truth is, even if I had a definite answer to any of these questions, we would still be where we’re at now.

So I must move on.

I must move on for my own sake, I must stop wondering what will happen to him, I must stop worrying about him and thinking about him, because it’s not worth my time and energy anymore; it’s too tiring, too draining for me to keep focusing on someone else but me. Because he may be sick, he may be struggling, but I probably am struggling just as bad if not more.

My psychologist told me I need to put myself first for once in my life. And I guess I need to do that now. I just don’t know how, so we’re going to start working on it, in the hope that in the near future, I’ll be able to do what’s right by me rather than what’s right by everybody else. And I don’t know if I like this idea, because to me, it’s like allowing myself to be selfish, something I’ve always loathed in others, something I’ve always tried my best to avoid being.

But this is the only way for me to get better, the only way for me to be a better person, a happier person…

The road to recovery is going to be long and full of obstacles. I know I will struggle alone the way, but I am lucky to have wonderful people in my life who truly care for me, and for the first time in my life, I can genuinely say that yes, things will get better. It’s all going to be ok.

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