On the importance of being myself

I’ve realised I have moved on from the failure or my marriage very quickly. It’s been 3 months, and whilst I still miss him every now and then, the feeling of having failed at keeping my marriage together has been replaced by disappointment.

I think it’s worse somehow, like when your parents used to tell you they were disappointed in you when you didn’t have good marks at school or had done something naughty.

I’m struggling to understand what happened to my life still, but I’m not angry or frustrated with myself anymore, and I have finally made peace with the whole situation, because I *did* try everything I could to save my relationship. The main problem is that I was the only one who wanted to save it, and what do you do in this instance? You can’t force someone to work on something they don’t believe in anymore.

I came back from yet another amazing weekend away dancing, and felt terribly guilty for having such a good time again. I need to stop reacting this way to having a good time.

I do believe it’s to do with how good I feel being on my own again. I don’t owe anyone any explanation, I can do whatever I like, dance, hang out and organise things with whomever I like without the need to justify myself to a partner.

I don’t have to think about whether or not he can/cannot do this, that or the other; I don’t have to try and accommodate someone who was too indecisive to make concrete plans. I know this sounds like I had a terrible time with my husband, but the truth is, I didn’t. I was happy to work around his life choices and decisions, and was happy to organise things for us to do together, but at the end of the day, I was told I wasn’t understanding enough in a way, and not accommodating enough.

Now I don’t have to think about someone else, I feel a sense of freedom I realise I had lost, simply because I used to walk on eggshells around him, worried he wouldn’t have a good time when we were going away.

But that sense of guilt remains and I don’t know why. I don’t understand why I’m feeling so guilty about living my life the way I want to, when I am not the one who decided to call it quits in my marriage. He seems to have no issues whatsoever living the life he wants to live, and I’m just here, trying to reconcile my lifestyle with a relationship that doesn’t exist anymore.

I had such a great time this weekend, loved hanging out with a lot of new and old friends, and just step away from what have been a very draining couple of months of ups and downs, tears and laughter…

I need to start accepting that I can have fun, and I can move on. I’m allowed to have a crush on other people, I’m allowed to be flirty if I want to, and I’m allowed to keep every unsolicited attention at bay too. I don’t need to be one way or another to please someone who doesn’t want me in his life anymore anyway.

I can just be me. And that seems to be my biggest struggle.

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